Posted by heh on February 2, 2000 at 11:33:58:

In Reply to: Lord said to Noah.. posted by Noah on February 2, 2000 at 07:51:44:

> Lord said to Noah...
> there’s gonna be a flood...

> And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all
> the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am
> ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord.

> And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for the Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the
> blueprints. "Six months, and then it will start to rain" thundered the Lord. "You’d better have my Ark completed, or learn how to
> swim for a very long time."

> And six months passed.

> The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was
> no Ark.

> "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

> "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the
> Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big
> fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by
> building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting
> enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish &
> Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls. Then the carpenters
> formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone
> would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we’ve got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."

> "Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each
> kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact
> statement on your proposed Flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
> Being. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."

> "Right now I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians
> I’m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just
> got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax."

> "I really don’t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

> The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you’re
> not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

> "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with
> something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

> "What’s that?" asked Noah.

> There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh his last Word: "Government."

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