Posted by Daishar on March 3, 2000 at 18:53:04:
In Reply to: Some pointers. posted by Rome on March 3, 2000 at 17:01:26:
> I broke a few paragraphs of your story down by sentences, and translated them to display what they mean using your grammar. (In some cases, I just re-wrote the sentence so you could see how it should/could be written.)
>
>
> “As Destal stepped through the gate, that last fading rays of sunshine softly illuminating the chamber, his shoes stepping off of hard wood floors and the familiar sound of boot striking stone, the unwashed rags vanished like a subtle breeze.”
>
> (Try breaking it up like the following)
> As Destal stepped through the gate his footsteps rung out with the familiar sound of boots striking stone. The last fading rays of sunshine softly illuminated the chamber revealing that the unwashed rags, that once adorned his body, had vanished like a subtle breeze.
>
>
> “In place of stained white t-shirt, ill fitted torn blue jeans, and mismatched sneakers that barely held together was the battle armor of the Haalrak Kingdom.”
>
> (Just light weight grammatical stuff)
> In place of his stained white t-shirt, ill fitted blue jeans, and mismatched sneakers that he had once worn, he body was now garbed in the battle armor of the Haalrak Kingdom.
>
>
> “ A fearsome sight adorned in what appeared to be petrified human bones overlaying a black scale-mail.”
>
> (No action.. this isn’t a sentence. All you have here is essentially one gigantic noun. You could effectively have replaced this whole ‘sentence’ with ‘Destal’)
> Adorned in what appeared to be petrified human bones overlaying black scale-mail, he was a fearsome sight to behold.
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>
> “His tangled dingy mess of black hair seemingly changed in less than a blink of an eye. Now it hung down his back, straight and shining with health, pulled back by a bone clasp that matched his armor. As he strode by the throne he grabbed and sheathed his sword in one graceful movement never breaking pace. Destal moved with the ease and prowess of a mountain cat.”
> (Doing very well there for a bit)
>
> “The man walked as though he new his gaze alone would clear a path faster than his blade.”
> (Two complaints here. First, you made a typo.. it should be knew, not new. Second, is a matter of taste. I wouldn’t switch back and forth from calling him ‘The man’ and using his name.)
>
>
> “Never missing a stride as Garlan, a man of slighter wiry build although appearing no less lethal even with his gray hair and battered form, perhaps even more so, was Destal's chief advisor and had been like a father when his was lost in the war defending this kingdom and it's neighbors from the dark Emporer from the east.”
>
> (When you drop out the prepositions, this is what you’re saying:)
> Never missing a stride as Garlan was Destal’s chief advisor and had been like a father when his was lost in the war defending this kingdom and it’s neighbors from the dark Emperor from the east.
> (I don’t think that’s what you meant to say.)
>
> “Normally when he returned from that place of safety to his homeland Garlan would meet him with a light in his eyes, ready to go about the buisness of insuring that the kindgom was ran properly, talking of old times and usually taking down a bottle of mead in the process.”
>
> (Simple grammatical errors. Try the following:)
> Normally, when he returned from that place of safety, Garlan would meet him with a light in his eyes, ready to go about the business of insuring that the kingdom was run properly, talking of old times, and usually taking down a bottle of mead in the process.
>
>
> “The look on Garlan's face was more than enough to let him know of the severity of the matters at hand. His advisor's face rarley revealed so much, especially worry.”
> (The above is a fine sentence.)
>
>
> “ Destal had never known the man feared anything, this was certainly bad. “
>
> (This one is two.)
> Destal had never known the man to fear anything. This was certainly bad.
>
> (As I don’t want to nit pick you to pieces, I’m going to cut to some of the more diabolical sentences in your story.)
>
> “In formal greeting of the lords of his lands and the few from directly on the other side of their borders, Destal drew his blade from the scabard on his back. A thing more dreadful than his armor, if that was possible.”
>
> (Aside from not being a sentence, the second part here implies the following: )
> The scabbard was a thing more dreadful than his armor, if that was possible.
>
> “Meticulous runes carved down each side.”
> (Here you are explaining to the reader that once upon a time, things called meticulous runes had carved something down each side. I never knew runes could be artisans.)
>
>
> “ The handle a smooth and blackened femur wrapped in silver with a fang from what must have been a montrous beast protruding from the bottom of the pommel.”
>
> (Oh my… taking into account that the above isn’t even a sentence (for the sake of argument, I’ll stick in a ‘was’), here’s what you just said: )
> The handle was a smooth and blackened femur wrapped in silver with a fang. The fang came from what must have been a monstrous beast. The monstrous beast was protruding from the bottom of the pommel.
> (Commas can be very important.)
>
> “What was obviously a two-handed weapon he drew with ease using only his right hand despite it's immensity, knelt on his right knee laying the blade across his left forearm speaking the words "My honor, my kingdom, and my life to serve my people."”
> (Concentrating on this part, ‘.. weapon he drew with ease using only his right hand despite it’s immensity...’. You are telling us that he was able to draw this two handed sword with only one hand even though his hand was immense.)
>
>
> “Destal stood and sheathed his sword and took his seat at the head of the table. As the others hesitantly took theirs as well he waited for someone to inform him of what the cause for all this tension and bickering was.”
>
> (And finally.. the above should look like the following: )
>
> Destal stood, sheathed his sword, then moved to take a seat at the head of the table. As the others hesitantly took their seats as well, Destal waited for someone to inform him of the cause of all this tension and bickering.
>
>
> I hope this helps you somewhat.
>
> ..Rome..