Posted by ROFL on July 12, 2000 at 18:22:22:
In Reply to: South Park: The Lost Episode posted by the Phantom Menace on July 12, 2000 at 17:56:18:
> If you're not a fan of 'South Park', this post will be absolutely indecipherable to you. For everyone else, a little-known fact is that Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of the repulsive yet strangely amusing cartoon, are also among the most hardcore of Cfers and members of a certain notorious CF clan. While going through their dumpster, a devoted fan discovered this discarded manuscript, purporting to be a rough draft of a never-shown episode of South Park that combines the familiar characters with denizens of our beloved Thera. Submitted, then, for your approval: >
> (on the playground)
> (the kids are eating lunch out of brown bags)
> Cartman: Hey, Kyle, can I have your cheesy poofs?
> Kyle: Dude! You've already had two bags!
> Cartman: Yeah, well, I'm still hungry!
> Kyle: You wouldn't be so hungry if you weren't such a fat ass!
> Cartman: Gimme those cheesy poofs, you goddamn [beep]ing son-of-a-bitch!
> Kyle: You can't have them, you greedy asslicker!
> Cartman: (shoves Kyle) Hey! I'll kick your ass!
> Pip: There's no need to fight, chaps. Here, take my cheesy poofs.
> Cartman: Shut up, you goddamn redcoat commie! It was Brits like you who killed Mel Gibson's son!
> Kyle: Huh?
> Pip: I must demand that you refrain from mocking the British Empire.
> Cartman: The British Empire sucks ass!
> Pip: Why, you bloody…
> (Pip throws an apple at Cartman)
> (Cartman ducks and the apple hits some other kid)
> Other kid: You bastard!
> (He throws a rock at Cartman)
> Stan: Hey! Don't throw rocks at Cartman!
> (Stan throws a rock)
> (Kyle throws a rock)
> (Kenny throws a rock)
> (Everyone in the playground is throwing rocks at each other)
> Mr. Garrison: Gee, Mr. Hat, I think we better break this fight up.
> Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Gar -
> (A rock hits Mr. Hat and knocks his head off)
> Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat!!!
> Chef: All the teachers get inside, quick!
> (The teachers run into the school, followed by a hail of rocks, bricks and concrete blocks)
> Mr. Mackey: What are we going to do?
> Pip (off screen) Oh, dear God! Someone call an ambulance!
> Chef: I don't know. I just don't know.
> (Rocks fly in through the windows and pelt the teachers)
> (in the classroom)
> (Mr. Garrison is at the blackboard, with Mr. Hat, whose head is heavily bandaged)
> Mr. Garrison: Alright, children, we've decided that you need a lesson in conflict resolution.
> Mr. Hat (unable to speak clearly because of the bandages) Mm mmph mm mph mm mmh mmpmpph mpph! (We need to lock all of you hooligans up!)
> Stan: What'd he say?
> Kenny: Mmp mmmmph mmmp mphhh mhhhm mmmp. (He said you need to be a 250-pound convict's cell bitch.)
> Stan: Dude! That's sick!
> Mr. Garrison: Quiet, children, please! Now, to teach you all about getting along with each other, let's give a warm South Park welcome to Svyatopolk.
> (Cartman farts loudly)
> (Everyone laughs)
> Svyatopolk: Hello, children. I understand you've been having some disagreements. In fact, I understand you've been beating the crap out of each other.
> Cartman: I am the man!
> Stan: You are the blob!
> Cartman: Shut up, buttface!
> Svyatopolk: Now, children, calm down. The problem with you is that you're acting to prolong the conflict instead of solving it. Now, what you have to understand -
> (Svyatopolk unsheaths his gigantic broadsword and drives it into the floor with a loud cracking noise)
> Kyle: Woah, dude!
> Svyatopolk: - is that if someone disagrees with you, that makes them evil. And Shokai teaches us to kick evil ass. So today I'll be teaching you how to kick ass fast and hard. Any questions?
> Stan: Sweet!
> (Kyle, Stan and Kenny are standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus to school)
> (Cartman walks in, wearing silver plate mail and carrying a giant broadsword)
> Cartman: Hey, guys.
> Stan: Dude, what's with the sword?
> Cartman: I am a official paladin of Shokai. It is my duty to kick evil ass wherever I find it.
> Kenny: Mmmmph mmmmmph mh mmmmph mmmm? (Does your mother take the sword to bed with her?)
> Cartman: 'Ay! Don't you talk about my mother!
> Kenny: Mph mmmph mmp mmmmmphpm! (I [beep]ed your mother!)
> Cartman: Okay, that's it! (yelling) Tear the darkness from out the sky, and set the night ablaze with Light!
> (Cartman lifts his broadsword up over his head and swings it)
> (Cartman brings his broadsword up and across at Kenny in a strike of faith)
> (Cartman completes his upper slash and swings his broadsword down on an opposite arc in a strike of purity)
> (Cartman leaps into the air and drives his broadsword down and through Kenny's chest in a strike of deliverance, killing Kenny instantly)
> Stan: Oh my god! You killed Kenny!
> Kyle: You fatass bastard!
> Cartman: You want some, Jew boy?
> Kyle: Bring it on, lardbucket!
> (The bus arrives)
> (The kids get on the bus)
> (As the bus drives away, rats devour the corpse of Kenny)
> (on the bus)
> Cartman: Ma'am, I am a paladin of Shokai. Is there anything I can do to help you?
> Mrs. Crabtree: Sit down and shut up!
> Cartman: 'Ay! I am a paladin of Shokai, and you will respect my authorita-
> Mrs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN!!!!
> Cartman: Yes'm.
> (in the classroom)
> (there's a picture of Hitler on the chalkboard)
> Mr. Garrison: Alright, class, today we're going to learn about a poor, misunderstood man who was driven to suicide while trying to do the best for his country.
> Kyle: Dude! Hitler was evil incarnate!
> Mr. Garrison: Well, Kyle, you're a Jew, you might have a different idea of what 'evil incarnate' is. Now, let's open our Mein Kampfs to page 13…
> Cartman: Mr. Garrison?
> Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
> Cartman: I have to tell you that you're teaching evil, and if you don't stop, I'm gonna kick you in the nuts.
> Mr. Garrison: Let's get a second opinion on that. Mr. Hat? What do you say?
> Mr. Hat: Eric, you're in detention for a month!
> Mr. Garrison: Well, Eric, I'm sorry, but you heard Mr. Hat…
> Cartman: (yelling, with his eyes squinched up) The final damnation is upon you! Let your soul be consumed in his fire forever!
> (Cartman glares at Mr. Garrison, who rots to ash in seconds)
> Kyle: Woah, dude!
> Cartman: (glaring out at the classroom) What the hell are you looking at??
> (in the cafeteria - Chef is serving food)
> (much yelling and screaming is heard; tables and chairs are flying around)
> Cartman: (off-screen) ..and set the night ablaze with Light! Kickass!
> Unidentified voice: Aaah! Help!
> Stan: Chef! You've got to help us!
> Kyle: Yeah! Cartman is fighting everybody!
> Chef: Well, children, I have a lot of experience with people fighting. And when I've got two women fighting over me, I just do a little something like this:
> (Pop music begins playing)
> Chef: (singing and swaying back and forth) There ain't no reason to fight over me..
> Stan: Chef!
> Chef: (singing) I've got more love then all of you need..
> Kyle: Chef!!!
> Chef: (singing) I'm enough man to go all around…
> Stan and Kyle: CHEF!!
> Chef: Oh, right. Let me talk to him, then. Maybe I can calm him down.
> (Pip runs past, screaming and covering his head with a lunch tray. Cartman runs along behind swinging his sword)
> Cartman: (yelling with his eyes scrunched up) Let the demons of hell haunt and torment you for the vileness of your soul!
> (Cartman throws a ball of fire at Pip, who runs off trailing a cloud of smoke)
> Chef: Holy crap!
> (Cartman runs after Pip)
> Stan: See? He's gone insane!!
> Chef: Children, I think I know someone who can help. Try and hold out.
> (Chef leaves)
> (on the playground)
> Cartman: (yelling off-screen) May the light of His wrath blind you!
> (Stan and Kyle are hiding under an overturned slide)
> Kyle: Is he going to kill everyone?
> Stan: I wouldn't put his fat ass past it.
> (Damien walks up)
> Damien: Hi, guys! What's up?
> Stan: Hide, quick! Cartman's kicking everyone's ass!
> (Damien joins them behind the slide)
> Kyle: So how've you been?
> Damien: It sucks. My dad's having this huge custody battle with Saddam Hussien.
> Stan: Bummer.
> Damien: Not really. I'm staying with my grandpa. He's cool-
> Cartman (yelling) Damien! Scion of Satan! In Shokai's name, I return you to the hell that birthed you!
> Damien: (stepping out, fists clenched) Misty-eyed! Burn! Burn! Burn!
> (Flames rise in Damien's eyes, and an unholy choir begins chanting)
> Cartman: Oh, shit!
> (Playground equipment begins flying around and smashing into Cartman)
> Kyle: Kick ass!
> Cartman: Ow! Ow! You guys, seriously, this hurts!
> (Cartman is suddenly surrounded by a white aura. The playground equipment begins to bounce harmlessly off him)
> Cartman: (running at Damien, sword high) Tear the darkness from out the sky, and set the night ablaze with Light!
> (Cartman beats the shit out of Damien, who falls down unconscious)
> Kyle: Oh my god! You killed Damien!
> Cartman: Don't you mention your god to me, you heathen Vilhazarog-worshipping Jew! Now I'm gonna kick your ass!
> (Cartman begins stalking towards Stan and Kyle)
> Stan: Cartman! Dude! Calm down!
> (Cartman stops his inexorable advance)
> Stan: Listen. We're your friends, man. Remember all the fun we had together? All the good times? You wouldn't really kill us, would you?
> Cartman (speaking softly) You're my friends, are you? Well, Stan, friends don't call friends fat when they're just big-boned. Friends don't take movies of friends playing with dolls. (getting louder) Friends don't try and starve friends, or hang friends on crucifixes, or confuse friends with evil clones from a parallel dimension!! (yelling) Screw you guys! (raising his sword over his head) Tear the darkness from out the sky---
> Stan: Shit!
> Kyle: Jesus Christ!
> (Jesus appears in a flash of bright white light)
> Jesus: You have called Me, and I have come, for I am the Son of God.
> Cartman: What the [beep] is this?
> Jesus: Eric, how many times have I told you, thou shalt have no other gods before Me?
> (Jesus turns Cartman over his knee and begins spanking him)
> Cartman: Ow! Damnit, that hurts! Someone help!!
> Stan: No way, fatass! This is what you get for killing all your classmates!
> Cartman: Ow! Ow!! Shokai!! Help!!!
> (Shokai appears in a bright flash of light)
> Shokai: Let him go, you pansy tree-hugging sandal-wearing peacenik!
> Jesus: Do not interfere with My work, graven image, or face My Wrath.
> Shokai: You think you can open a can of whoop-ass on me??
> Jesus (dropping Cartman) Ask and it shall be given onto you!
> (Jesus bitch-slaps Shokai)
> (Shokai knees Jesus in the groin)
> (Jesus and Shokai start pulling on each others' hair and robes)
> Stan: Go, Jesus!
> Kyle: Go, Jesus!
> Cartman: Kick his little fairy ass, Shokai!
> Kyle: Shut up, widebutt!
> Cartman: You don't even believe in Jesus!
> Kyle: I don't believe in Shokai, either!
> Cartman: You take that back or I'll kick your ass!
> (Jesus and Shokai are still fighting)
> (Jesus and Shokai begin to grow)
> Kyle: Woah! Dude!
> (Jesus and Shokai are now five times as tall as the school)
> (Shokai screams like Godzilla and breathes fire at Jesus)
> (Jesus roars like King Kong and begins hitting Shokai over the head with a truck)
> (The kids grab Damien and pull him off the playground as Jesus' giant sandaled foot comes down, crushing all the equipment flat)
> Stan: This is worse than Cartman ever was!
> Cartman: Yeah. (brief pause) 'Ay!!
> (Chef arrives, followed by a woman in a short white robe)
> Chef: Dear Lord, what's going on?
> Stan: Jesus and Shokai are going to destroy the town!
> Chef: Don't worry, children, I have the solution. This is Lady Bria.
> Bria: Hello, kids.
> Stan, Kyle and Cartman: Hi, Bria.
> Bria: Let's see what I can do about this mess.
> (Bria begins growing until she's the size of Jesus and Shokai)
> Bria: Jesus! Shokai! Stop fighting and listen to me!
> (They stop fighting)
> Bria: Look at what you've caused! The death! The destruction! For the love of the light, can you not sit down and discuss your differences like normal men?
> (Jesus and Shokai glance at each other briefly and then start kicking each other's ass again)
> Bria: Well, I tried.
> (Bria pulls out a gigantic vorpal axe)
> (Bria decapitates Jesus)
> (Bria decapitates Shokai)
> (Bria returns to normal size)
> Chef: Girl, you are magnificent.
> Stan: That was sweet!
> Bria: Thank you. Now, before I go, Eric, I'd like to tell you something.
> (Bria kneels by Cartman, who's staring at the decapitated head of Shokai, stunned)
> Cartman: God is dead.
> Bria: No, Eric. He's not. Now listen to me. (inspirational music begins playing) I know sometimes you get mad at other people, and you want to hurt them, even kill them. But that's just a tiny part of you. When you feel like that, just take that feeling, and lock it up deep in your heart--
> Stan: (whispering) Deep in his ass, that's bigger.
> (Kyle snickers)
> Bria: --Where it can never come out, and fill yourself with love for your fellow man. Because where there is love, there is God.
> Chef: (sniffing) That touched me.
> Kyle: (sniffing) Me too.
> Cartman: That's a load of crap! (inspirational music crashes to a discordant halt)
> Bria: Then remember, Eric, I'm watching you all the time. And if you step out of line one little bit (she pulls out her axe again) Whack!!
> Cartman: Holy shit!
> Chef: (proudly) She talks softly, but she carries a big ol' stick.
> Bria: Now, Chef, why don't you show me that big stick of yours?
> (Bria winks at Chef)
> Chef: (wiggling his eyebrows) It's time for me to worship at the Altar of Love. Later, children!
> (Chef and Bria leave)
> (Damien walks in, a bit unsteadily)
> Stan: Damien! I thought Cartman had killed you!
> Cartman: Damnit! I thought I had killed you!
> Damien: My dad sent me back about five minutes ago.
> Kyle: What've you been doing since then?
> Damien: Hiding Cartman's sword.
> Cartman: You piece of shit! Gimme my sword, or I'll kick you square in the nuts!
> (A giant axe pops out of nowhere and whacks Cartman over the head with the handle)
> Cartman: Son-of-a-bitch!
> (Stan, Kyle and Damien laugh)
> (Fade to black)
> Disclaimer: In case you haven't already figured it out, this was not, repeat not, written by Matt Stone or Trey Parker. I am in no way affiliated with the show 'South Park'. Please, please don't sue me!
> That's all, folks!