Posted by Zepachu on November 5, 2000 at 00:17:21:
In Reply to: Can I get some feedback on this description, please? posted by Ekirhal on November 4, 2000 at 13:55:11:
You mention having sex with Proud Blade "or" me? ?!?!?!?!?!?!?! As if there's any doubt who you would choose!!! *grumble* Anyway... :-) I like the description. I would change the "dons a few cuts and bruises" line to something like... A few scars can be seen on her face, hands and neck... showing that she's been in great many battles, yada yada yada... :-) I think you might want to put... "Her pitch-black hair is just long enough..." instead of mentioning the color in the next sentence. You can restructure those two sentences to make: "Her pitch-black hair contrasts heavily with her lightly tanned skin and seems long enough to be pulled back in a short pony tail." If I had to rewrite this description, with the information present (and some added in) here's what it would say... (keep in mind the average human is 6 feet tall) You see a female human. She appears below average in height, some five feet tall. She has brown eyes and thin red lips, graced with an ever-present smirk. Her pitch-black hair contrasts heavily with her lightly tanned skin and seems long enough to be pulled back into a short pony tail. The word Zepachu is tattooed on her forehead, indicating her to be his plaything. A few noticeable scars can be seen on her face, neck and hands. At a final glance you gather that although young this female knows much of the ways of this world. Or something... minus the Zepachu sentence. ;-) Oh yeah, if yer going to use numbers, I'd spell them out.. unless you get into the hundreds and above, it just looks better. UNLESS, of course, you said 5'4" It wouldn't look good as 'five foot four inches'... Oh geez, I hope I didn't criticize too much.. I really liked the description, but just showing you how I would structure some things. It's late. 'night. -Zepachu. > Hypothetically speaking, say I wanted to roll an Anti-paladin Arbiter. This is what I have so far... > You see a female human. She looks to be about 5 feet tall. Her hair is just long enough to pull back in a short pony tail. It is pitch black and contrasts heavily with her lightly tanned skin. Her eyes are brown and she has thin red lips. Armor covers most of her body but her arms and legs look to be strong and toned. She appears to be quite young but lacks a sense of innocence. She dons a few cuts and bruises and upon closer inspection you see that… > I tried to make it vague enough that it would apply no matter when you looked at me. (ie sleeping, standing, butt-naked having sex with Proud Blade or Zepachu or dryads, etc *wink*)I'm shooting for all inclusive here. I always hated walking up on someone who was asleep and I look at them and their description says "Standing before you is such and such..." Any suggestions on wording or adjectives or sentence structure or whatever are appreciated. And please be nice. I'm not an english major. If you're just going to flame me don't bother.