Kernel Panic: NTLDR not detected

Lunix is one of the most powerful contraceptives evar. The moar one learns about lunix, the moar powerful its fertility-stealing powers become. It is recommended that you try lunix, since everyone knows your gonads are made of fail.

It is an operating system that was the result of really crappy reverse-engineering efforts to create a free version of UNIX. Linus Torvalds and Alan Cox are the perpetrators behind this travesty. Tons of people use it, especially hippies, and no one really likes it except the terminally uncool. Most of them use it in violation of SCO's intellectual property rights. To use Lunix legally, one must pay a $699 license fee to SCO for each processor that runs the Lunix kernel.

Lunix, like the Macintosh, attracts legions of fanboys. These penguinistas form communities that are irresistible to trolls. Though especially rabid on defense, penguinistas can rarely give it as good as they take it. Lunix trolls, in the guise of advocacy, often go to other communities to evangelize about Lunix on the slimmest pretense. Unlike most drama, the flame wars between OS advocates aren't entertaining.

Lunix users say it is more secure, this is true, as Windows is like a car with no locks. Lunix, on the other hand, is like a car with a billion locks, so when you want to do something, you have to type your root password a million times. In essence it is also like a car with no stereo or even tires so even if it could be hacked it would be pointless to do so. As such, it is entirely useless.

Lunix is the communist or anarchist version of Microsoft. Leftards love it and Rightards love to laugh when they see it trying too hard.



Useful lunix commands of the day:

burn -f name.jew name.ash

chown -R us ./*base

sudo rm -fr / (remakes local french languagepack, although the french are cool, so never do this.)

chmod +rwx yourmom

apt-get install aids

whois god

finger -sister

mount -raep

man mount - this is an unstandard addition, and was implemented by RMS

cat scouter | grep power_level > 9000

touch /dev/b00bies

halt hammertime #cant touch this (MC Hammer always rolls as a super user)

:(){ :|:& };: (DO IT FAGGOT.)

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Lunix distributions (i.e. the kernel + freely available software + a company logo) are often "shipped" with such genius ideas as a 5GB default install, read-only configuration directory (Lunix knows no such thing as the registry), no network device drivers on the CD (I hope you have another computer or you'll have to go to a friend to download them and spend hours trying to build the modules), broken USB support, random lockups with LI on boot, incomplete documentation that is littered with leet speak, broken hibernation support for laptops (hibernation requires over a gig of drive space (so it's a good thing that it's fucked anyways)), broken ACPI support resulting in random reboots, having a lot of useless services turned on by default, and last but not least, using caesar cypher for /etc/shadow passwords. No one understands what this last one means, although it sounds like something Lunix would do. Not to mention the forums full of "self-taught geniuses" and/or arrogant trolls who somehow, despite being the "geniuses" they are, still have no clue on how to get a modern wireless network card working without using Windows drivers, or how to properly pluralize 'genius'. Which, with them, still only works about 5% of the time. Then you give up, boot back into Windows; thus regaining a life again.

Specific Lunix distributions with entries in the Encyclopedia Dramatica include Red Hat and Ubuntu. BSD is another popular thing that Lunix is like, though it doesn't have modular components and magical fairies included, you have to use ports to get those.





The mascot of Lunix is a fat stoner penguin named "Mister Tox" (from "toxic"). Tox is the hero of those who want to go through life sitting around with a huge gut full of semi-digested fish (too many bongs will give you a big appetite, I guess.) Linus Torvalds picked out a penguin to be the mascot, because all the good ones were already taken. Did I mention he smells like a yak?



Types of Lunix users:

Penguinistas

A penguinista is a Lunix user who hides the fact that he dual boots into Windows to play Doom. During his free time, he tries to write a program that will make Windows programs run natively in Lunix. This will never happen. Some people have come close, but by the time they have 16 bit Windows emulated everyone else has moved on to 64 bit Windows. Oh yeah... they also use GIMP to collect welfare.

Collectively, Lunix users are nothing more than a mafia-run labour union that seeks only to flex its muscle by holding huge multi-national corporations hostage, and soil the good reputation of Maureen O'Gara. And, while they are keen on destroying all who oppose them, they are also quite stupid. This is why no one ever takes Lunix seriously.

Linux users are typically caught furiously masturbating in bathrooms and making jokes about /dev/null that no one else gets. People don't get jokes about /dev/null because they're out having a life, sex, and a well paid job- in that order, thanks to Windows streamlining their lives. Famous people who don't care about using Windows because it works without having to memorise 10,000 command line functions include Stephen Hawking and Barry Scott. Unknown retards who use Lunix include the person who wrote the original title for this section.

It should be noted here that not using Lunix does not mean you are immune to mental retardation. Many of the interwebs greatest retards are in fact Windows users. Mainly due to the fact that introducing home-user linux machines onto the internet would be like infecting a cancer patient with AIDS. So Linux limits the numbers of them by offering horrible written wifi card drivers.

There is very little the internet can do about these specific Windows users mentioned previously. Although, with the help of ED it can try.


Typical Lunix/BSD users are a sensitive lot. This is because their entire self-esteem is tied up in knowing obscure piping and scripting techniques that nobody in the real world gives a fuck about. Supposedly, this makes them smarter. If a Lunix user feels threatened about the coming obsolescence of his beloved OS, untold havoc will be unleashed. This will eventually produce lulz. For this reason, we reveal here the easiest ways to troll a lunix message board or IRC channel.

* If the subject of distros comes up, reply, "Yes, but what can [insert distro name] do that Ubuntu can't do?
* Claim that the Windows kernel design is better than lunix.
* Warn everyone that Mactel will destroy Desktop Lunix
* Ask "But can it run BSD?"
* If the subject of CLI comes up, reply, "But you could do that with DOS twenty years ago!"
* Predict that Solaris will eventually destroy Lunix
* Make completly baseless claims that you are the CEO of a major corportion (don't specify which one!) and say you see no future in Lunix.
* Tell everyone that Lunix isn't ready for grandma

* Quote Theo de Raadt
* Remind all Lunix users that they are still virgins
Point out that the BSD License is infinitely superior to the GPL
* Incessantly ask every user about what parts of the code in their kernel were stolen from SCO.
* Let it be known that you appreciate Clippy
* Ask if Wine can run <insert program here> yet.
* Use the phrase "total cost of ownership."
* Ask for advise on finding quality lunix games.
* Say that Linux is inferior for development because it doesn't have Visual Basic .NET
* Make it known that $699 (the fee you legally owe SCO Novell if you use Lunix) is $300 more than the price Windows Server 2003 Web Edition, which has more features, greater stability, and has been shown time and time again to have a higher ROI.


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What using Lunix will not do for you, although if you use it enough you might believe these to be the case:

* Make you witty because of your exposure to jokes referring to command lines
* Make you rich because there's three rich guys who used Lunix
* Make you attractive to women because Bill Gates' wife is hot (note: Bill Gates uses Windows)
* Make you smarter
* Make you lose weight (note: Lunix, Mountain Dew, Nasal Spray and Pop Tarts are not proper diet and lifting one of your many massive Linux user-guide type books does not count as exercise)
* Make you superior to the human race. Superiority is not defined by the number of gutted computer carcasses in your home, or the depth of your basement, or by how many operating systems you can fit on your hard drive
* Make you lose your virginity

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Fun things you can do on Lunix

* Update your drivers.
* Brag about your kernels.
* Watch a console display error messages
* Say you use Lunix (which will get your ass kicked)
* Eat KFC chicken around the clock.
* Manually edit config files
* Develop carpal tunnel from keyboard usage between bouts of excessive self-pleasure bourne out of social-retardation
* Keep your virginity
* Think...
* Have a realistic understanding of a computer, not how much it costs for a virus scanner. <--Here too...marvel in the grammar skills of this genius Lunix user. Clue: There's supposed to be an 'and' in the sentence.
* Be a bad ass non-conformist.<-- Wtf?....oh wait...being a virgin at 30 does make you a non-conformist!
* Fun fact! Did you know that emos think they are non-conformist too, but in reality they are faggots!
* Getting an error message literally 'out of the blue'.
* Graphically chart the shrinkage of your penis (a highly requested feature among lunix users) over time with bundled, GPL'd software.
* Spend hours of your life compiling bits of code, just to find out it was EPIC FAIL!
* Read this article. That is, if you figure out how.
* Uhh, well that's pretty much it.

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Why is Lunix so Shitty?

Well, mostly because of the stupid nerds who actually care about this stuff:

* Linus Torvalds - Unoriginal code thief from Mars.
* Richard Stallman - Charlie Manson look alike and Communist who once said he wanted to conquer the entire world for free software.
* Eric Raymond - Guy who wrote a crappy mail program, a crappy word processor, and then a crappy E-book about both entitled "Cathedral and the Bazaar." Unlike 99.9% of the losers in the Lunix world (who take the notion of "Free as in beer" just a bit too seriously) Raymond is not a Communist, but no one really cares because he spends most of his free time banging his mother.
* Andrew Morton - Guy who writes and accepts thousands of badly coded patches into the Linux kernel tree which both break things and also make users of said patch set feel l33t.
* Alan Cox - The Theo de Raadt of Lunix. Is a drunk.
* Hans Reiser - Crazy murderer who lived in a cave.
* OpenGraphics - Professional failure stolen from someone.
* Slashdot - Asperger's syndrome victims.
* Lunix penguin gets raped by fur seal. This could even become a meme, maybe?

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Installing Lunix on your Computer

Lunix can be installed on any desktop, laptop, cellphone, iphone, gaming system, wristwatch or large dildo in just a few simple steps:

1. Download your chosen flavor of Lunix
2. Hit harddrive repeatedly with hammer
3. Get drunk
4. Collect Underpants
5. ???
6. Profit!

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"Fun" Lunix Facts!

* Lunix users never have to reboot. ACPI problems prevent that...use the power-strip after a crash or shutdown.
* Lunix users get laid about as often as they have to reboot. And if they do reboot they will fall short before the actual action is carried out.
* Most lunix users secretly use Windows.
* When you use Lunix, you will become so frustrated that you will constantly fight with windows, mac, and even other lunix users.
* Most servers use lunix because they are run by the homeless.
* Lunix stands for "Loser's unix."
* Lunix doesn't get viruses because they are pre-installed and dynamically create themselves.
* Lunix is "Free as in crap." You get what you pay for -- nothing.

Congratulations, you now have the productivity that only Lunix can bring.