The sounds of Rebecca Black's "Friday" crescendos from the alarm clock into your ear, waking you.




The chill of the early morning air leaves goosebumps on your skin. Brushing the geese off of your skin, they caw and fly out the window. You don't remember exactly why you left the window open, but you do not regret it, because you long for that pre-day stretch in which you slowly kick your down comforter off of your skin, which just doesn't feel quite as smooth when the sheets aren't chilled. After closing your mouth and opening your eyes from a nice yawn, a curious scent helps you get out of bed. It smells similar to the local fish market, which generally isn't a store that you like to spend time in. Mainly because you don't like the way the man behind the counter calls you sweet-cheeks, but also because the smell isn't very pleasing (although they do sell that asian candy you love so much but can't seem to find anywhere else. You know the kind I'm talking about, yeeeeaaaaahhhh). Hopping out of bed, you're given a choice.

You can either:


A: Jump out the window and fly after the geese.

or,

B: Go into the bathroom and try to pee, knowing that you have a kidney stone which pains you so



If you chose A:
You jump out of your window to chase after the geese, only to remember that you just recently planted a fiery pool of magma at the base of your house, right under your window. You fall in to it, and burn to your death. How depressing. FIN.



If you chose B:
Walking into the bathroom, you sigh. This kidney stone has not passed, and you are convinced it has evolved from a kidney stone to an intenstinale fraggle rock, complete with Fraggles and Doozers that sing songs of pain and humility to you while you try to urinate. As you lift the toilet seat, you are confronted by a monster. The toilet was actually a mimic! With no weapons in sight, you twirl around and fling your junk around in its general direction. The mimic, terrified, goes back to his toilet form. You speculate that he'd rather have you pee in his mouth than have to see you dance in such a primitive manner.

The pain of trying to squeeze out even a drip of urine is excruciating. You raise your head in the air and squint as your facial expression falls agape and you bellow out at the ceiling "GOD DAAAAAAAAAAAAMN." Looking down at your fundog, as you like to call it, you notice a bulge the size of a tennis ball at the base. It moves forward with every pain-filled contraction of your groin muscles, as you slowly push it out. As it finally enters the tip of your fundog, you force it out with your fingers. A small rock resembling a planet plops into the mouth of the mimic, and distant screams can be heard from the tiny fraggles and doozers as the mimic chomps it into pieces.

Finished with your pee-time, you hobble over to the door. It's time that you investigate that awful smell. Walking down the stairs, you trip over your lazy cat and fall to the bottom of the stairs. You stand up and start to yell at the cat, but the cat has long since been dead. You assume he is just being his usual lazy self.

When you open the door to get the news paper, you smile. The sky is peach, and the clouds are a dark grey. You notice everyone in your neighborhood is outside tanning. Then you notice they aren't tanning, they are all dead. Their homes have been reduced to rubble, and so has yours. This whole time, you have somehow been navigating through it, managing to not notice that something has destroyed it. Frightened, you take one more step forward.

There's Mrs Crabtree's corpse, holding the leesh to her dog, Pookums, who is also dead. You see young Lucy, ripped to shreds. You only know it is her because of the bonnet on the ground. You know the source of the dead fish smell, now.

In the middle of the field, a gigantic goldfish lays, rotting.

Do you:



A: Run up to the gold fish and fuck his brains out

or,

B: Run back inside to check to see if your laptop is still functional



If you chose A:
You run excitedly to the gold fish, eager to fuck his brains out. You find out that he has no brains, they have decayed away. You kill yourself from depression.FIN.



If you chose B:
Dashing back upstairs, you decide to find out more information about what has happened the only way you know how. Somehow, your laptop hasn't been destroyed -- and it even picks up internet. You try to go to qhcf.net, but the page is taking too long to load. You pause your torrent for Oprah Winfrey's collab rap album with Dr Phil, I'd Like for Everyone in the Audience to Check Under Their Seats, You're All Going Home with a Brand New Ass-Whooping, and try to load the page again, with much success.

After logging on to Dios, you notice 327 new posts, each of them from Stevers. As you sift through the posts, trying to find something that isn't by Stevers, a strange and tiny pink creature with a long nose walks across your screen, clearly integrated into the page. It's a gif you don't remember seeing before, so you watch out of curiosity. He stares at you, and text appears above him as if he were speaking to you.

"The apocalypse has begun. There is refuge within the Dios community. Do you accept? y/n"


The apocalypse? You hadn't really considered it before. You've been so busy trying to figure out what smelled like fish and getting your browser to load pages faster that you haven't had time to think about why everything was different today. The creature stares into your soul, awaiting a response. His eyebrows are slightly above his eyes and off of his head, which gives him a certain trustworthy charisma. You hit the y-key, and your vision blurs as you pass out.

Waking up, you see all sorts of different people sitting around a campfire. It is night out, and the sky is black. Looking closer at the stars, you see that they are actually tiny white 1's and 0's. Walking over to the campfire, you notice the little pink creature sleeping. He wakes to see you, and his form begins to change. He goes from a tiny, cute pink creature to a 7'2" manly man. The beard on his face hangs to his waist. The beard on the top of his head hangs to his rear. The beard coming out of his ears stick straight out a good foot or so. He is too manly for you, and you recognize this. Even his enormous biceps have beards. The beards on his bicep's beards have beards. This man is essentially one giant beard, and you've never been in awe at such a beautiful specimen before. He walks over to you, and introduces himself. "The name is Stevers," he says, as he extends a beard to shake your hand. The word roll off of his tongue in a rather hairy manner. They sound like words with beards. Beards. Beards. It's all you can think about now.

Behind him stands a short and fat orangutan. This orangutan is not manly, but he is hairy. Very hairy. He extends his hand to poop in it, and then he flings it at your face. "Don't worry," Stevers says. "That's ol' Harry. That's how he talks. Everything he says is a pile of shit that smacks you right in the face." You ask what happened, and where you are. Stevers begins to explain...

At some point last night, I was unbanned from Dios. I remember seeing a strange PM from someone named Voclirk. Opening it, it said "I miss you, Stevers. Click this link if you miss me, too." Following it was a link that led to a picture of the christian god giving life to Adam, only my face was plastered over the god's face, and a the cover of the book A Canticle for Leibowitz was plastered over Adam's. Under the picture, there was a button that said "Touch Here." I didn't understand the symbolism at the time, and I made a huge mistake. I birthed the apocalypse.

Hitting the button on my laptop's touch screen, I felt a finger on the other side. The words "Operation Krilcov" appeared on my screen, and then my vision blurred and I blacked out. Next thing you know, I wake up here. We have a computer monitor that monitors life on the outside, so long as they are logged in to Dios. I've figured out a way to bring people in here, where it is safe, using the monitor to bring them here, to this world. The world of Dios.


The story sets you back a bit, and you decide to walk over to the campfire to ponder what Stevers just told you. Harry opens his mouth to console you, and a wad of shit splatters across your mouth. Thanking him, you wipe it off.

A bit thirsty, you ask for some water. Harry walks you over to a well, and dances his way back to the fire. You hear a strange crying noise from the bottom. You decide to use the well anyway. When the bucket comes back up, you drink directly from it. The water is very salty, but it is still quenching your thirst. The crying becomes louder. You yell down the well, "is someone down there?" The crying ceases, the person at the bottom must be shocked someone is speaking to them. Stevers runs up behinds you and warns you against yelling down the well, proclaiming "You cannot yell down there. Sam's tears are the only source of water that we can get in this place. If you talk to him, he'll start asking you about Pittsburg's various sports teams and you will be trapped talking to him, forever. We keep him down there and let him fill the well up. There's a floaty for him so that he wont drown, and we make sure to drink enough water so that he does not float to the top and get out." Nodding, you drink the tears and head back to the campfire. Beardvers shows you to your tent, and you sleep for the night.


You wake up to the noise of whirring and hammering. Looking outside of your tent, you see a small robot whizzing around, making different booping noises and saying in a monotonous tone, "CALCULATING." He then scoots his way over to a palette and begins to paint his calculations. Intrigued though you are, you decide it is best to leave him to his work and just look at the finished product when it is ready. Now, what is that hammering noise?

Stepping out of your tent and looking a bit in the distance, you see a young man with a receding hairline. He has two left feet, and seems to be stuck in an infinite loop of tripping over even the tiniest of objects, hitting the ground, and then dipping away from his pride. This is clearly the cause of the hammering noise.


From a tent behind the hammering moron walks a devilishly handsome fellow with a large mustache with a shirt that says "Fernando" in big letters. He walks over to you and introduces himself, "The name is Rodriguez. Pleasure to meet you. I'm on my way out now to find something, care to join me?"

How do you answer?

A: "Put your balls on my face and call it a rat trap"

or

B: "Absolutely, but let me put some pants on first."



If you chose A:

Rodriguez looks at you, depressed. You are apparently not the first person to make this suggestion to him. Knowing what must be done, pulls a giant trout out from his back pocket and slaps you around for a bit. You die from fish envy. FIN.



If you chose B:
You put on some pants, and you start your journey.

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