Yes, I am perfectly aware there are many kinds of sex fetishes out there. There are people who are aroused by feet, shoes, and even shoelaces. But dolphins ? Anyway, if you want to have sex with a dolphin (and who doesn't ?), this is the guide for you. Please note in passing that the image to the right was called "yum.jpg" on the web site (for some reason, now called "fun.jpg").

Here is how to proceed :


1. Where to find a dolphin ?

Aquariums and zooz are out of the question : too many witnesses. You are instead advised to try to find a beach where dolphins live. You also need luck :


Sometimes you just need to be in the right place at the right time. I have been extremely lucky on two occasions with wild dolphins, and my current mate is a dolphin who lives in the harbor of my resident city.

And if the Coast Guard comes by, you're on your own.


2. Pre-sex assessment of the situation

First, you need to figure out 1. the gender of the dolphin and 2. figure out if the dolphin is aroused.

To do the first, you need to look at their head (males have a fatter, rounder head), or on the dolphin's belly, between opposite the dorsal fin and the tail. The male has two larger slits, and the female has one large slit and two small mammary slits.

Figuring out whenever your prospective mate is aroused is also relatively straightforward. The male will sport a long erection that would make most men jealous ("anywhere between 10 to 14 inches long for a Bottle-nose", we are advised). The dolphin's penis is also prehensile and flexible, and you can wrap it around your arm. It is not mentioned if the dolphin likes to have his penis wrapped around some dink's arm. On the other hand, the female's genitals will become pink and swollen, and she may nuzzle against you.

Also, I still can't believe I am writing about having sex with dolphins. This is what being an Insolitologist is all about, folks.


Q3) What do I do if a dolphin wants to mate with me?

A3) Accept, if possible!


3. Having sex


A male dolphin's member is roughly S-shaped, tapered at the end. If you are in the water with them, it is best to support the dolphin on his side, just under the water, with one hand, and handle him with the other. Male dolphins, I find, tend to prefer the base of the penis to be gently massaged and squeezed, as well as gently rubbed along it's length.

Due to the size of a dolphin's member, the best you can do with a male dolphin is to masturbate him. Missionary position or anal sex are both out of the question. Also, be careful : when those things shoot, they shoot. Remember what your mom told you about trains and get out of the way.

The female dolphin can be either masturbated or fucked, depending on your gender. Roll the dolphin gently to her side, belly towards you, and prop yourself on an elbow to stay face-to-face with her. At this point, my brain is already beginning to rebel against what I'm reading, so I'll let the author do the explaining for me :


Once comfortable, though, females initiate a series of muscular vaginal contractions that rub the entire length of your member. They may also thrust rhythmically against you, so enjoy the experience while you can, since you will rarely last longer that a minute or two. Just prior to her climaxing, she will up the speed of her contractions and thrusts. It is interesting to note that the times I have mated with females, they have timed their orgasm to mine. Whether they do this consciously or not, I do not know, but it is a great feeling to have two bodies shuddering against each other at the one time.

One thing to note. Whether you masturbate or mate a fin, male or female, always spend time with them afterwards. Cuddle them, rub them, talk to them and most importantly, show them you love them. This is essential, as it helps to strengthen the bond between you.

In conclusion, good luck, and if you have a baby with a dolphin, don't forget to tell someone other than the National Enquirer.