If you're close to taking your own life then you have serious issues burried into
your psyche that are manifesting as self-destructive tendencies.

You could try and figure out what those are and eventually try and banish them
(not easy & requires _professional psychoanalysts_ who know what they're doing),
you could get anti-depressants (that may or may not work for you), or, you could
simply realise that underneath it all, it is _you_ who controls how you feel and see the world.

There is no "objective" reality. Everything is subjective. Everything that _you_
experience, everything that constitutes _your_ idea of what the world or
reality is, can be changed, AT WILL, as long as you realise that your brain is
essentially a machine that can be programmed and that REALITY is nothing more
than the output of that machine.

Aleister Crowley called it "MAGICK" - The Science and Art of causing change to happen
in conformity with Will and he wrote lots of books describing his experiments with
ritual/drugs/sex/invocations but this is what he was working towards all along.

I suggest you read up on Zazen, start meditating, live for the moment, don't think of the past,
don't think of the future.

Nothing is real, everything is permitted!